I was having supper with some friends, years ago, and their 2.5 year old threw a fit in his high chair. Quite out of character for him. His mother went to the cupboard and handed him a cookie. He immediately stopped screaming.
I don’t remember what the tantrum was about. But I remember the cookie. And I’ll never forget what his Mom said next:
“Just so you know, that’s actually not how we’re going to handle this. He just started this screaming thing yesterday and we haven’t had a chance to decide on a plan yet. We’re gonna talk about it tonight.”
One of the most powerful things you can do as a leader - or a parent - is decide on a plan.
We know that’s true for big things. But it’s also true for small things.
Imagine you’re struggling with time management. You’re frustrated by the sheer volume of emails you’re receiving everyday. It’s eating up multiple hours at work, and spilling over into the evening.
Email is a given. The problem, though, isn’t just the volume. It’s the interruption, and the deciding. When an email notification dings, you pause what you’re doing, open it, read it, consider whether to reply. You ask yourself: Do I know the answer? How urgent is the request? Do I have the information they’re looking for? If not, where can I find it? How long will that take? Should this be coming to me? Do I have time to write a clear response? What is the appropriate response time for this type of email?
So much time has been spent just deciding before you’ve even started writing the email.
And you might do that dozens of times a day.
When you’re parenting, the same thing happens. Your child launches into a tantrum and you’re a deer in the headlights, trying to decide what to do: Do I yell? Hug them? Give in? Be firmer? Give a warning? Did I already give too many warnings? I need them to stop screaming! What will stop the screaming?
The challenge isn’t the actual thing you have to do, whether it’s answering an email or responding to your child. It's the deciding. And repeating that decision-making process dozens of times a day.
Want to change your life?
Decide once.
This is so powerful. Decide once how you’re going to deal with something, set your plan up to work, and then stick to it.
At my house, if you hit or bite, it’s time-out (close to me, so he’s not isolated when he’s upset). I chose that because it creates space to stay safe. I set it up to work by choosing the spot and the length of time, and telling my son when he was calm, so he would know what to expect. Now, I don’t waste any time wondering what to do. If he hits or bites, time-out.
Back to those emails…
Decide once.
Maybe it's fixed times to check (I look at email at 11am and 4pm). Or a block in your calendar to deal with a specific type of work (I process resumes on Thursdays after lunch). Or a firm end to the work day (I don’t open emails after 5pm).
Set your plan up to work.
Let your team know what to expect. Write a standard reply you can easily reuse: “Thanks for your question. I’ll get to that on Tuesday afternoon; expect to hear from me then.” Set an automatic after-hours reply. Turn off notifications so you aren’t tempted to look.
Stick to it.
There is freedom in knowing how to respond because you’ve already decided. Implementation takes just a few seconds, or no time at all, and your focus stays where it needs to be. You will be more efficient, more focused, and feel less stress.
One last thing: If you don’t have a plan yet, that’s okay. Remember my friend? She wasn’t worried that she didn’t have a plan yet. She just gave her kid a cookie, and planned when she would decide.
Go grab a cookie and decide. Once.
If you're new here, welcome!
I'm Dana, and I coach leaders at work and at home.
What would make a difference in your leadership?
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