I’m a really good Mom. And I truly love being a parent and taking care of my son.
Except when he’s sick.
Ugh. I hate taking care of sick people.
Especially when said people are tiny and needy and want to use my body as their personal mattress and put their face on my face while germ-infested fluids leak out of every orifice.
My skin is crawling just thinking about it. Which is too bad because I wrote this blog a while ago and I’ve been saving it to publish on a week when my kid was sick and I couldn’t write…
So, please pray for me.
The thing is that I know it’s a normal part of childhood. Kids get sick all the time. And I know he isn’t doing it on purpose. And I know he needs kindness and compassion and lots of extra snuggles. I know.
It’s just really, really hard. For (at least) two reasons:
First, it just messes up all the plans. All my organization and scheduling, all my work to keep all the plates spinning…nope. Everything grinds to a screeching halt.
Second - and this is more personal - it requires so much of me! It imposes on me in extra ways (because kids always impose on you to some extent). I have to clean, medicate, soothe, comfort, and clean again. I have to acknowledge vulnerability, both in my child and in myself, because I will inevitably be getting sick too.
If you’re a parent, you know exactly what this feels like.
If you’re a leader at work, I’m going to bet you get it too.
When we move into management or leadership, we have PLANS, don’t we? We are gonna get things DONE.
And then suddenly a team member is diagnosed with cancer. Someone has to keep leaving mid-day because their kid is struggling at school. Someone’s mother has dementia and they’re distracted. Someone asks to go on stress leave.
Those people need you to check in with them, listen, empathize. They want to come and talk in your office. There might be tears.
We can start to feel resentful. Judgemental. Angry at the number of personal needs infringing on work time. We can start wondering when we’ll get to the “real” work?
In her excellent book, Radical Candour, Kim Scott describes it this way: “Every time I feel I have something more “important” to do than listen to people, I remember … “It is [my] job!” … We undervalue the “emotional labor” of being the boss. That term is usually reserved for people who work in the service or health industry. … But … this emotional labor is not just part of the job; it’s the key to being a good boss.”
There’s no way, really, to keep life and work separate. Not when we spend 8-12 hours a day at work.
As the leader, you’re responsible for human beings, with all the complexity, potential, and vulnerability that they bring. And how you show up in their moments of need tells them how valued they are, how safe they are in this workplace, whether they can trust you. It defines your relationships. And your relationships are your most valuable assets at work.
So, what can we do?
As a parent, the most important thing for me is acceptance. Once it’s clear he’s sick, I have to stop trying to ward it off. I just accept “We’re sick now” and switch gears. Cancel clients, turn on the movie, and settle in. I remind myself that this (sickness) is normal. It won’t last forever. And my relationship is being forged here.
It also really helps that I’ve planned for these times. Flexible cancelation policies, emergency babysitters, blog posts written in advance.
As a leader, I encourage you to do the same. Plan time for the human work, the emotional labour. More time than you think makes sense.
And, when you get to it, when someone is in your office, or they tear up in the hallway, accept it. Prioritize it. Don’t fight to get back to the “real work” as soon as you can. Take care of your people. Remember, your relationship is being forged here. And this really is your job.
Enjoy your week! I’ll be over here on the couch, cuddling my boy.
My name is Dana and I'm a Leadership Coach.
That means I help people achieve their leadership goals, both at work and at home.
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