My four year old is outside, running up and down our block with a friend. Without me.
My conflicting feelings about this new reality are staggering.
I feel proud.
Guilty.
Relieved.
Worried.
Sad.
I feel like a great parent.
I feel like the worst parent in the world.
IYKYK.
I’m about 75% sure he’s ready for this, and it makes me incredibly nervous. ButI’m letting him do it because I believe that increased responsibility brings out the best in people.
That’s an important part of my philosophy of leadership. Here’s how it plays out at work and at home:
At Work
When you’re the boss and you know what you want, it’s easy to start tightening the reins: Sending very detailed instructions. Needing everything to be run by you.
But people get worn down by micro-management. It makes them feel like they’re not trusted. They stop taking initiative. The quality of their work actually decreases.
It’s counter-intuitive, but to see better results, you have to give people increased freedom. You have to back off.
My favourite strategy is to use min specs (minimum specifications). That means, I’m very clear about the end goal, and I give very few - but very firm - boundaries that we have to work within. A clear budget. A deadline. If it’s product development, what it has to accomplish. If it’s marketing, the target audience.
I set out the goal, the resources, the limits…and that’s it. Then I leave them alone to apply their creativity, to work in the way that best serves them, and solve the problem how they see fit. Even if it’s totally different from what I would have done.
I end up with people who are more invested, solutions that I could never have dreamt up, and a team who feel empowered and trusted…and do better work.
At Home
Stop and think about how little control kids actually have. Parents decide when and what they eat, what toys they have, who they can play with, when they go to bed, what they wear, when and how they bathe, brush their teeth, style their hair, and use the washroom.
That’s…a lot.
Especially when their whole developmental task is to become independent. They’re wired for control, doing things on their own, and often it’s parents inhibiting that growth.
So, what can you do?
I use min specs, just like at work. I set very few boundaries, and I am very firm about those. And then, as long as he stays within the boundaries, I do my best to leave him alone.
For instance, when he’s playing outside, he can’t go past the stop signs at each corner of our street, he cannot go on the road for any reason, and he has to come home and tell me if he’s going inside his friends’ house. That’s it.
He can bike, play soccer, use chalk, play tag - anything he can dream up! - as long as it’s between the stop signs and not on the road.
I’m vigilant about the limits, especially early on. I peek through the window pretty often. If I see him breaking a boundary, he comes inside immediately, and can’t go out alone for a few days. He’s tried it; he learned fast.
Now, I knew this would work. We do it with lots of things. But I didn’t expect that he would start negotiating boundaries in a way that was reasonable, respectful, and ultimately successful.
Yesterday, he got on his bike, and called me outside. “Mom,” he said, “please can I go past the stop sign this time?” My knee-jerk reaction was no, of course. But I listened. “I just LOVE going around corners on my bike and there aren’t any corners inside the boundaries.”
Good point. So, I asked him what he thought would be a better boundary, and he identified very specific trees right around each corner. We agreed, and we haven’t had any issues since.
Independence. Control. Agency.
All those things that help us feel empowered and trusted. It works at home, and it works with our teams.
What are your min specs? What happens when you stop micromanaging?
My name is Dana and I'm a Leadership Coach.
That means I help people achieve their leadership goals, both at work and at home.
You can book a free Discovery Call to find out how coaching can help you!
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