When was the last time you said no to your kid?
A big no. The kind you have to steel yourself for.
Because you know what’s coming.
The drop to the floor. The blood-curdling scream. The kicking. The red-face wail that disintegrates into hysterical sobbing.
It’s one of the hardest parts of parenting.
Well, I learned a secret that has changed how I see tantrums:
When a child experiences frustration or disappointment, they have to pass through Mad, then Sad, on their way to Acceptance. It looks like this:
And that is the ONLY way to get to acceptance.
Did you catch that?
For your child to accept whatever limit you’ve set, whatever boundary you’re holding, they HAVE to travel through Mad and Sad feelings. There’s no other way.
Here’s why it matters to me:
When I say, “No” and my kid hits the floor in a rage, instead of despair, I can feel good. I can tell myself, “He’s mad, that’s ⅓ of the way through the arc.”
When his rage turns to sobs, I can quietly remind myself, “He’s sad…we’re almost there…”
And, when he’s finally done, and he wipes his eyes, I can celebrate. Because he did it! He completed the arc!
I was the speaker at Parents’ Night at my son’s school this week and I talked about the Acceptance Arc. I shared about an awful tantrum my boy had and how, when it was over, I felt great.
Because he did his job perfectly. He moved through Mad → Sad → Acceptance with no problems.
And I did my job perfectly too.
You know what the adults’ job is? To NOT interrupt the arc.
It sounds easy, but it isn’t.
We interrupt in a thousand different ways: We yell, bribe, bargain, coerce, distract, comfort, and give in.
We want them to stop being mad and sad so much that we aren’t allowing them to learn the vital skill of acceptance.
We think we’re rescuing, but we’re robbing them.
At Parents' Night, we talked about where we’re most likely to interrupt, and what feeling makes us do it.
Some interrupt after Mad because they’re embarrassed by the screaming. Others, after Sad because the tears make them feel so guilty. Others, right before acceptance because they get frustrated with how long it's taking.
We realized something: All the reasons we interrupt were caused by our own inability to get to Acceptance.
We’re interrupting because we haven’t learned how to tolerate feelings of embarrassment, guilt, or frustration.
Seems like we might need to learn how to do the arc ourselves.
I mean, of course we do.
We will inevitably experience frustration (when someone isn’t pulling their weight), disappointment (when Christmas bonuses are lower than you’d hoped), unmet expectations (when we’re passed over for the promotion), embarrassment over mistakes (we all make them).
Those feelings are uncomfortable. So, while you might start out on your arc - feeling a surge of anger - you’re probably going to try to interrupt it.
Maybe we interrupt at Mad. We’ve been taught it’s unacceptable or dangerous. So, we tell ourselves to calm down, pour some wine, scroll through our phones.
Maybe we interrupt at Sad. We learned it’s weak. So, we crack a joke, shove that feeling down, and play a video game.
The only way to acceptance is through Mad and Sad.
So, even though it can seem like it’s working, if you haven’t accepted something, it will come back up later on.
You’ll be holding a grudge and expecting the worst. You’ll become cynical. You’ll hold back. You’ll explode over a small thing.
It’s important that we can come to Acceptance, especially if we’re leading because we’re setting the culture.
You won’t throw a tantrum or sit sobbing at your desk. But you can find ways to experience and release your Mad and Sad feelings.
Work out your anger at the gym. Cry in the car or the shower. Talk through your arc with a friend. Try journaling.
What’s important is that you do the arc. Even if it’s quiet, even if you’re the only one who knows, give time and space for those feelings. Move through them.
So that you can find Acceptance.
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