The Way You Make Me Feel

“Leadership is different than I thought it would be. I really thought it would be more about projects and details and deadlines. But it’s not about the projects…it’s about how people feel when they walk into work.”

Talk about a mic drop.

When she first reached out, this client struggled to even call herself as a leader. There were on-going issues with staff that she didn’t know how to address. She was afraid to take action, second-guessing herself all the time. 

She felt powerless. 

Inadequate. 

Overwhelmed.

We’ve been working together for a couple of years and I could not be more proud of her journey! And somewhere along the line, she internalized this deep reality: It’s all about the people.

That is profoundly true. 

And not just at work. Everywhere. In every aspect of our lives, what really matters is how people feel around us.

Do they feel safe? 

Do they feel accepted?

Do they feel appreciated? Welcome? Understood?

Last week, I hired a new cleaner and she came to do a walk-through of my house. Which was messy. Because that’s my life. 

But this woman walked into my kitchen, put her hands on her hips, and declared: “Okay! Now, whatever the family narrative is about how Dana keeps house or doesn’t - all of that is done right now. You do not ever need to feel embarrassed about anything around me. I’ve got you. This is your home and it’s beautiful.”

Listen. I am not exaggerating, I very nearly cried. 

Because there are family jokes about how messy I am. And every time I hire a cleaner, I feel bad about asking for help, and embarrassed that the house is messy when they come. 

But this woman, in the first five seconds, made me feel seen, accepted, and safe. Now, she also did an exceptional job cleaning, but I might have hired even if she was terrible…just because of how she made me feel.

Whenever you are leading - whether it’s in a corporate office, on a volunteer board, or parenting your children - this is the opportunity you have. 

To make someone feel welcome, accepted, safe.

And, when people feel that way, they can thrive.

Now, I know exactly how easy it is to feel like everyone is against you. Your kids drag their feet and refuse to listen. Staff just keep doing the bare minimum. Someone rolls their eyes at a suggestion. 

And suddenly you feel like you’re pitted against them, locked in a power struggle. Kill or be killed. 

I get it.

The problem is that when you see someone as a problem, you’re going to treat them that way.

If you feel like they’re against you, you will unconsciously position yourself to defend against a threat.

And people feel these things. Our children feel it. Our employees feel it. It shapes the culture. 

And that is not a culture where people can thrive. 

The next time you feel like it’s you against them - whether it’s your employees, your volunteers, or your kids - stop and take a breath. Try one of these tips:

• Remind yourself, “We are on the same side.” Picture yourself walking over to stand beside them, so you’re facing the problem together. Sometimes that’s all it takes. 

• Ask yourself, “When they’re at their best, what do they contribute to our team/family?” Take time to remember the great things about them and then ask, “What might be in their way right now?” Maybe your child is hungry. Maybe your team member is grieving. Empathy can really help you get back on their side.

• If you can’t figure it out, ask them - in a way that assumes the best of them. “I notice you’ve been struggling to participate in meetings lately. That’s not like you. Can you help me understand what’s going on?” They’re going to feel seen and cared for - instead of judged - and be more likely to change.

When we are onside with our people, they always do better in every way.

They are more creative. They are more productive. They are more supportive of new ideas. They are more receptive to feedback. They learn better. They grow more. They become better and better versions of themselves.

This is why I love leadership!

Because it’s about way more than just accomplishing tasks or increasing ROI. It’s about creating spaces where people can thrive and make their best contribution to the world.

And I know you want that. For your team. For your family. For yourself.