Mom groups on Facebook.
These are tricky places. They can offer such assurance and support. Or they can shred you.
This weekend, I responded to a post asking how to handle a preschooler who was hitting all the time. She had tried everything. It had been going on for a year. “I don’t know what to do anymore” she wrote, “I just spent half an hour crying in the pantry.”
I shared what worked for me, when my boy was in a hitting phase: A very simple, very consistent, time-out process.
But time-out has a bad rap right now. Even as I wrote it, I thought, “This is a lighting rod.”
I almost posted anonymously…but I want to be someone who stands behind my advice.
It took a few hours, but the (anonymous, of course) poster came ripping into me with personal attacks: “That’s cruel! You’re abandoning your child when they need you most! Your son is never going to be able to trust you or come to you.”
UGH.
I felt mad, embarrassed, worried that I’d ruined my reputation in that group. Because I know where she’s coming from and I agree with a lot of what she says.
But I also know - from a LOT of experience - that it’s more complicated than that.
I’m 44 years old. I grew up watching Super Nanny and I learned time-out from her. I used it in lots of contexts with kids and it always worked.
Until it didn’t.
My first foster placement was two toddlers and the little girl would NOT sit in time-out. I knew how to handle toddlers, but it just didn’t work. She got more and more mad. She screamed, ran away, hit and kicked. No matter how long I tried.
I read books and took workshops to find out what to do. I learned about trauma and dysregulation. When children have experienced trauma, it changes their brains. When they’re triggered, their brains flood with adrenaline, and they go into survival mode. Fight or flight or freeze. And they can’t get out of that state on their own.
My girl was experiencing time-out as a threat to her survival and she was panicking. It wasn’t a matter of waiting her out; she needed something different.
I learned about co-regulation, using our calm bodies to help children come back to a calm place. I learned about sensory needs. About attachment. About how to let a lot of things go.
It was painful. It went against everything I knew before and I constantly felt like I was “rewarding bad behaviour.” But it worked. It helped her. And a lot of my other kids.
So, I adopted that as my default parenting strategy.
Fast forward several years and my preschool-aged son is hitting.
Not the reflexive hitting they do when they’re toddlers. He’s old enough to make choices and he’s hitting when he doesn’t get his way.
I’ve tried talking. Distracting. Redirecting. Cuddling. Emotion coaching. Telling him no. Walking away.
He’s hitting me multiple times a day.
And I’m a single parent. There’s no asking someone else to take over. I’m frustrated and angry all the time, because I can’t get us through this.
Finally, I decided to try time-out. Even though, in theory, I’m against it.
I sat down with my son and said I wasn’t going to allow hitting anymore. I explained how time-out would work. He understood…and immediately hit me to see what would happen.
I popped him into time-out.
And it worked.
I mean, we had our moments. The second day, it took him 45 minutes to sit for a 3 minute time-out. But, after that, 8 minutes. After that, 3. And then…he just stopped hitting.
The whole thing took four days.
It didn’t harm our relationship. It relieved so much tension! I wasn’t frustrated anymore. He wasn’t hitting. We were able to get back to our normal, goofy, playful, loving life.
What I want to say is…it’s complicated. Parenting is complex and nuanced.
But our job as parents is to help our children grow and learn how to function in the world. We need to help them regulate their emotions and control their behaviour. They need attachment, love, and security. They also need limits and boundaries and skills.
Now, I’m not necessarily encouraging you to try time-out. Some of you will have neurodivergent children, or children who’ve experienced trauma. They need something else.
So, don’t give up. Don’t just keep trying what you already know doesn’t work.
Keep learning. Keep asking questions. Keep integrating new information.
Also, trust your instincts.
Sometimes time-out is okay.
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I have some parenting workshops coming up:
The Anatomy of a Tantrum will help you understand what’s happening in your child during a tantrum and what you can do to help them.
Mom is NOT a Doormat will help you learn to set limits and boundaries and stop giving in.
You can learn more about them, and register, right HERE.
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