Have you seen the reels of a woman’s stressed out face, captioned: “When I’m panicking because I created a secret schedule in my head and no one is following it even though I never told them…”
I feel this. Deeply.
Except for me, it’s not panic. It’s rage.
Especially in the holiday season, when there are so many details to keep track of, and so many people’s needs to consider, when something doesn’t go according to plan, something happens to me. I feel it in my chest and head like a wall of heat. A black tar RAGE that makes me want to scream.
I want to talk about that today. And read to the end, because this just might save your holidays.
That particular type of RAGE is caused by one thing: Expectations being violated.
You’re going along, minding your business, and something happens. It doesn't have to be big or even out of the ordinary. Traffic is busier than usual. Your kid has to pee as you’re walking out the door. Someone asks for something or changes a date or a meeting runs long. And suddenly you’re so mad you could rip someone’s head right off.
Why?
Your expectations were violated.
“I didn’t have any expectations” you’ll say.
Yes, you did.
You might not have known it, but you had them.
We all have expectations for everything. They might be conscious or unconscious. They might be realistic or idealized. But we have them.
Sometimes, our expectations are fairly fluid, or we weren’t sure what to expect, so we handle changes and surprises just fine.
But, sometimes, it really mattered to us. Or we were invested in things going a certain way. Or we were already just barely making it.
When our expectations get violated in one of those situations, it can be shockingly triggering, even devastating. That’s when we feel the RAGE.
During the holidays, it's worse. Partly because there are so many extra things to do. But mostly because of all the pressure to be perfect. Decorations, gifts, food, portraits, visits, cookies. It’s supposed to be beautiful, peaceful, and deeply satisfying.
Not to mention all the time with family. Those gatherings are ripe with expectation! We have dreams about what family gatherings will look like. We want it to be beautiful. And our expectations are on steroids at this time of year because of nostalgia and social media and Hallmark movies.
There’s no way reality - with its complications, interruptions, and imperfect people - can ever meet those expectations. So, we end up deep breathing in the bathroom, crying in the car, fighting with people we love, and wondering what it was all for.
Here’s the thing: Your expectations are yours. And you can change them.
It sounds like nothing. But it's everything.
Say you’re having a holiday meal, and your mother-in-law makes a comment about your potatoes being gummy. You bristle and glance at your partner, but he pops some turkey in his mouth and turns away. RAGE. Your face reddens, you take a breath, and excuse yourself. You’re pacing the bathroom, rehearsing a screaming match in your head, tears prickling your eyes.
Here’s what you do:
Recognize the Rage: “I’m feeling this way because my expectations were violated.”
Name the Expectation: “I expected my partner to stick up for me.”
Feel the Feelings: Acknowledge disappointment, frustration, betrayal.
Adjust your Expectations: Choose something more closely in line with reality. “I expect to have to stand up for myself.”
Re-Enter the Situation: Rejoin your family, with your adjusted expectations.
Now, before you come at me about #4, I know it feels wrong. It feels like you’re “giving in” or “lowering your standards.”
First of all, that’s not necessarily true. You can have a conversation and help your partner understand what you need and why it’s important. Especially when the violation was related to a value, absolutely work that out later.
But, in the moment, it doesn’t matter if you were right or wrong to expect what you did. Lots of things are outside your control, and clinging to your expectation is ruining the actual experience you’re having.
Now, what does this have to do with Leadership or Parenting?
Leaders are notorious for not clearly communicating their expectations. So, if you find yourself suddenly raging at work, check yourself. Figure out what you were expecting and whether or not you actually told your team. It will save you burning things down.
And, if you're a parent, remember children are often the cause of expectations being violated because they work on a whole different timeline, with a whole different set of priorities, from adults. But, unfortunately, children are also most likely to bear the brunt of our rage in these moments. And they will internalize our anger as being their fault. So, be
aware of yourself in this season, so that you can protect your children.
Remember, your expectations are yours. And you can change them.
And that might very well save your holidays.
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