It’s a school morning. My son is watching cartoons (which I know is not the best, but it does allow me to get ready for work, which is important). The time comes for him to turn the tv off and get dressed.
I come into the living room, and calmly say, “It’s time to get dressed now. Please turn off the tv and go choose your clothes.”
He scrunches up his face at me and says, “NO! I don’t wanna get dressed! I’m NOT doing it!”
PAUSE.
What’s your next move?
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Seriously, what would you do next?
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Maybe insist he has to do it? Reprimand him for being rude? Turn off the tv yourself?
I definitely considered those.
Here’s what I did instead:
I smiled and walked away.
And about 10 seconds later, I heard him yell, “FINE! I’ll DO IT!” And then he stormed over to turn off the tv, and went and got dressed.
And, when he finished, he came and showed me his outfit and I said it looked nice (it did not), and I asked if he needed a hug (he did).
There are two things I want to say about this strategy:
It’s Better Not to Fight
When we ask or tell our kids to do something, often their first reaction is resistance. Refusing, whining, crying - whatever it looks like, they resist.
For some reason, we think that’s wrong. But, actually, it’s very normal. We all do that.
When someone tells you to do something you don’t want to do - slow down when you’re driving, eat more vegetables, give up alcohol, wear a different outfit - don’t you resist?
You don’t flip them off (or maybe you do), but I bet the voice in your head is using some colourful language.
It’s normal to resist demands!
The problem our kids are having is that they do it out loud.
It helped me so much when I stopped taking that first, knee-jerk reaction seriously…or personally. When I hear him say no, I just understand that he’s having a normal reaction and resisting a demand.
If I engage that first reaction, I’m going to make it worse. He’ll have to dig in. Throw a tantrum. Have a fight.
So, I don’t. I just let that first reaction count as his “inner thoughts” and I give him a minute.
Most of the time, he decides on his own to comply.
Now, I can already hear you resisting! “My kid would NOT just do it! There’s no way!”
Fine. Okay, I believe you. Keep reading…
Boundaries are Worth the Work
The reason this works with my son is because I have been very consistent with boundaries for his entire life.
When I tell him to do something, he has to do it. I always follow through.
Just for fun, let’s pretend that this story played out differently. He said he wouldn't do it, and then he didn’t. He just stayed on the couch, watching his show.
Here’s what I would do:
I would give him a minute. Then I would walk back to the living room, calmly, turn off the tv, take his hand and lead him to the bedroom to get dressed.
I wouldn’t be mad about how he didn’t listen. I would just take him to do what was asked.
In fact, I have done exactly that. More times than I can count. And, because I’ve done that consistently, he knows that’s what I will do.
I’ve held a boundary, followed through, so many times that he trusts I’ll do it again.
So, now, he just…listens.
(I mean, some of the time. Nobody’s perfect.)
Even as I’m typing this, I know there are folks reading thinking “This is impossible!”
I hear you. And I want you to know that it IS possible for things to get better.
Your children CAN learn to listen to you.
YOU can learn to be consistent, hold your boundaries, and follow through.
Here are my quick tips:
Ignore their knee-jerk resistance (see above).
Ask once. If they don’t listen, take action and help them do it.
Follow through on everything you say. If that means you let more things go initially, fine. But only say things you are 100% committed to seeing through.
The caveat? This isn’t complicated, but it is hard.
It can be deep, emotional, work to learn to hold boundaries. You might be upending the entire way your family has operated.
So, be gentle with yourself. And patient. And reach out for the support you need.
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Join me for my new Parenting Workshops!
One is about tantrums and one is about setting boundaries. Check them out right here:
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