Parenting changes everything.
I cannot agree with this enough, though I’m a slow learner. My son is four and a half and I’ve only just started to accept that I will ever be the same.
I was single, child-free, and very career and community focused for a long time. At 38, I became a foster parent - a dream of mine! - and had the privilege of caring for eight children over five years. All ages, personalities, needs, and experiences and I loved them all!
And I still felt like me.
I had my work. I worked essentially the same way. I handled challenges and opportunities the way I always had. I was interested in the same things. My values stayed the same.
I easily integrated being a foster parent into my pre-existing self. And it was great.
And then I adopted.
My son came to me when he was six weeks old, and never left. I know him better than I’ve known any other child in my care. I adore him.

And, over the course of the year since his adoption was finalized, I’ve felt wildly untethered. I’ve struggled with things I’ve never struggled with before - making decisions, feeling confident, creating in my business, building relationships, knowing what I value, knowing myself.
It is so disorienting.
Then, one morning, I heard an interview on CBC with a woman who was talking about the depth of transformation we experience when we become a parent. (I can’t remember enough detail to find it, so please tag it if you know what it was.)
She was explaining that one of the most common tools we use to make decisions is to imagine how we’ll feel. We project ourselves into the future and imagine if we’ll be happy in that type of job or in that city or with that partner. It’s so effective, we do it automatically with every big decision.
When you’re deciding whether to become a parent, you imagine yourself in the future, with the addition of a child. But it’s your current self - your current needs, wants, strengths, values, etc.
But, she said, the problem is that parenting changes us so completely that we essentially become a different person, so this tool can be really misleading.
The person you are after having kids might have very different needs, strengths, and values than who you are now. And, since you can’t predict what those will be, you can’t accurately guess how that person will feel about being a parent.
Her point, I think, was that it is almost impossible to know whether you’ll like being a parent, but my take-away was just this:
Being a parent changes you so profoundly, you become a different person.
Mind blowing.
And so affirming!
It reframed so much of my experience over the past 18 months. I’ve had moments where I wondered if I was losing it because I couldn’t figure out how to function in ways that I’ve always been able to before.
But this helped me understand, it’s because my whole self is changing, adjusting to being someone new.
So, maybe I can be patient. Curious. Gentle with myself. And try to get to know who I’m becoming.
But what does this have to do with leadership?
Becoming a leader is a massive transition and it should change you. You have to change how you think, what you pay attention to, what you care about. You have to expand your vision. You have to think differently about time, priorities, people, and values.
Most people get promoted to management because they’re good at their jobs. Really good. And they’re confused when they aren’t immediately successful as a leader.
But leading requires an entirely different set of skills than what got you promoted in the first place. You have to change.
And, unfortunately, the change doesn’t happen automatically like it does for parents. If you’re a leader, you have to work for it, you have to learn!
I can help with that.
Follow along in the next few weeks as I shift focus to how we change our minds and our selves as we become leaders. Some new things are starting that I’m excited to share with you!
But, for today, know that if you’re struggling with this new identity as a leader, it’s normal. Changes are happening, and they’re good ones.
I can’t wait to see who you’re becoming.
I'm Dana and I'm a Leadership Coach and a parent.
I help people find success as leaders, both at work and at home.
If you'd like to chat, book a free call right here:
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